This is a digital virtual journal of which I dedicated in the Memory of our beloved Amanda-Samira. To this I write of our journey or very likely much about my journey towards this life and how I manage, and how I learn the true meaning of unconditional love, and how I understand the lessons of life in my own way and what are the miracle of healing came to me and to my family.
To this I hope my reader keep close their hearts and tears for themselves. Do not be afraid to leave me messages because I am accepting all of my friends with an open embrace. I appreciate that all of you come to visit and I am grateful for all the notes you people left me.
One thing I want to say - enjoy your live, your love, your children, your friends and your family. One never know what the future will be, nor one will ever know if one sees the future ever. Live and breathe for to die is easy, yes, but to LIVE is more.
|Posted by mail2sheval on February 27, 2014 at 5:45 AM||comments (0)|
Dark thoughts ... what are dark thoughts? Have we all these dark thoughts in mind? When you have it, what do you do with it? Dark thoughts ...
The world is perhaps ultimately to be defined as a place of suffering.
Man is a suffering creature, subject to ceaseless anxiety, and pain and fear, subject to the rule of what the Buddhists call dukha , the endless unsatisfied anguish of a being who passionately desires either illusory goods or that of spiritual.
However within this vale of misery there are many regions. We all suffer, but we suffer so appallingly differently.
An enlightened one may, who knows, pity the fretful millionaire with as pure an energy as he pities the starving peasant. Possibly the lot of the millionaire is more genuinely pitiable, since he is deluded by the solace of false and fleeting pleasures, while there may be a compulsory wisdom contained in the destitution of the peasant.
Such judgments however are reserved for the enlightened, and ordinary mortals who feigned to utter them would rightly be called frivolous. We properly think it a worse fate to starve in poverty than to yawn in the midst of luxury.
If the suffering of the world were, as it could be imagined to be, less extreme, if boredom and simple worldly disappointments were our gravest trials, and if, which is harder to conceive, we grieved little at any bereavement and went harder to conceive, we grieved little at any bereavement and went to death as to sleep, our whole morality might immensely, perhaps totally different.
That this world can be a place of horror must affect all of us deeply, darkening the thoughts, ruining our desires, and kill the hopes, damaging the whole body and mind system, even making us raging and driving us all mad.
Any seriousness avoids this fact at its peril, and the great ones who have seemed to neglect it have only done so in appearance. ( This is tautology ) This is the planet where cancer reigns, where people regularly and automatically and almost without comment die like flies from floods and famine and disease, where people fight each other with hideous weapons to whose effects even nightmares cannot do justice, where men terrify and torture each other and spend whole lifetimes telling lies out of fear. This is where we live.
But no worry and do not be shock at this of what I have written. This entry is not meant to make anyone unhappy, nor would I want to write anything depressing. I am just stating the fact of what are swimming in my thoughts at this moment.
People and friends used to think and see that I am a good Christian and a good friend, a good sister and a good mother - but to be where I am now, I have put a lot of the efforts and struggles to be a better-self, at a better place and for a better life. I am always on constant battle with myself and of this life.
For all the horror that I have been through, I have been tested, tortured, and been thrown into hell many times where I would have given a thought that I might die soon - OR - that I might just go mad like anyone else.
But somehow, after all the struggles and the battles I have fought, lose and won many times, I have learned a lot along the way to that BETTER ME. It is not easy, was never and it is STILL not that easier either.
I am good at problem solving and managing kids, home and friends - BUT when it comes to deep emotions, death, pain and suffering I am more at the READY either to try to heal myself or to keep silent.
BUT I would NEVER run - never. That is not me.
I have learned to deal with pain and the fear that all these years conquered my life since after the death of my daughter this year.
To lose her has put a heavy burden on my whole-self, my heart was in pain, my soul is shaking, my mind is maddening and my hope was lost. But even though no matter how much and how many times I might fall, I have always MANAGED it to stand up on my two feet AGAIN.
I cannot tell how or when exactly that I have LEARNED to be like this and how did I found my strength - it is a long process and a long journey to that one unknown destination where I would finally meet Heaven - my own Paradies. But I think I was born to be strong and born to have talents to judging and understanding things or situations - a precious talents and gifts of which was given me.
Without such intellect, I think I would not go anywhere better at all. Then I would have been where I was before - in that dark place where I kept myself with my suffering and pain; moaning and groaning as if life is going to end soon ( of which is not ) and I was very, very angry at people, at things, at life and at God. I kept my distant ... away from the world and contacts.
If it were not because of the love and courage of my parents and my family, and trusted friends I think I would not go anywhere. It was because my whole family is a kind of people with many knowledge, understand life better than I am and handling decisions/situations wisely than I am - they (my family) has raised me up to be a very strong person inside-out.
I could not imagine it to be without their love, their deep understanding and endless supports. And here, I would say thankful for all that God has given me, HE has given me the BEST.
But why was I so blind for too long for not seeing this before? Why didn't I see how much I was blessed before? I cannot answer that, but I know that all of this takes time.
Now, I am happy - the least to know I finally earning the peace I have yearned for so long. And I hope that it would stay like this for awhile for as long as life is treating me kind.
Now, I am more than just what I am now - I am free. And I understand ... many things.
And this is what I taught my children to be - be wise, be strong, be gentle, be soft, be beautiful, be friendly, be humble, be free, be hopeful, be faithful, be praiseful, be good, be generous, be happy. But to have this all, they have to learned to do the "HOW" and whatever good they do for themselves and for the others, the rewards is way, way much worth it than diamonds or gold in this world.
And the one most important thing to remember is that of what makes you stay strong is for the love of your family and good friends - and remember that the LORD is always there to guide you, to guard you and to love you, that is one believes in God, or any kind of good beliefs or anything spiritual.
One MUST never doubt.
One MUST believe.
|Posted by mail2sheval on February 27, 2014 at 5:30 AM||comments (0)|
I walk silently toward the window. The darkness is lifting. A thin shaft of lavender has creased the horizon, setting the edges of the trees on fire with evening light. I pause and bow my head. For this brief moment, I am held in hand of beauty, and I am sent forth into the light of this late evening with the poetry of possibility beating in my heart.
The sky is dark and the rain pouring heavily behind the thick glass. One can listen to the tapping sounds of the water attacking as the stormy wind howling greatly above the roof of our house. It is almost eerie but at the same time the soundless silence is simply loud to my hearing. Not long after the rain cease to a gently rhythm of spring and peaceful, and strength.
I turned around to switch on the kettle which took only a minute to boil - I poured in the mug full and soak in a teabag, brought this with me to the living room, watching some more rain outside and writing my journal. These days too many thoughts simply swimming fiercely in my head and I could not divide which is which first to put down. I felt my heart is not settle and yet peace is what I yearn the most. So, I pay heed to the songs of the silent rain out there.
I feel so misunderstood. I feel so distracted. I feel so blind.
My life fills with moments like this, almost hidden and yet open, and so exposed. I try to lift up the cover so that the light comes to brighten up this darkest corner of my heart. I can hear the distant songs of the late evening bird and the rain starts to diminish in time - and what is left is the silence of the night which is accompanied by the song of the coldness.
I covered myself well with my wool blanket - I used to love it, but now its material irritates my legs and itched. I curled my knees up to my chin as I tried to put focus on my thoughts. My feelings are divided by mere hope and of lost, of light and of darkness at the same time - all are mixed. I sipped my hot tea and leaned back. I gathered my thoughts to my own and embracing it with the warmth of my arms as if I am holding to a lost child that needs comfort - and my thoughts do need a lot of comfort.
I am to find the true shape of my heart and felt the form of life in the cup of my hands. I felt it is spiritually strong though fragile it seems, but its strength is enormous and fierce - just as I am as a strong, brave person now. My fear flutters upward and disappears into the blank air of this night. It may not be the last release of my pain, but it is a beginning of every healing that starts. It has no end to it.
I would not be blind by my feelings and I am trying to defend myself from all of this chaotic emotions. I think I must be patience enough with myself to not to rush my heart with meaningless demands that may drown out the quieter voices of my spirit. I shall take a lot of time like this to stop and listen, knowing that my heart needs its time to gently settling again and to learn to recognized the spirit that speaks more often in a whisper than a shout.
This is what I was learning and searching for - this Spiritual Healing of my own - a battle so fierce and yet gentle with lots of patience and of love. It is a cast of mind, a leaning of the heart, a willingness to see the shadow of the divine mystery in all my life and all things. It is almost a feeling that the presence of God is in every corner and yet it is me that I see here - a reflection of the divine in the face of every my children and my friends as well.
The rain has quietened now. And I had finished my tea at last. I bow down to the night, saying prayers in this hidden time of my own in this room - I am carried away in dreams unknown and I am to be lead to the next destination where life celebrate its mysterious miracle of healing.
|Posted by mail2sheval on February 26, 2014 at 11:35 AM||comments (1)|
This is my first attempt to write a journal for my daughter Amanda. It is for the sake of her memory that I finally has decided to do SOMETHING SPECIAL just for her and in dedication for the sake of her memory and for my husband and our children. Soon, it will be a year since her death and now it is time to write again. I always love to write and have always been. I kept my leather journal close by me and I brought this with me whenever I go out and I will always write away my thoughts in it. Since Amanda died, part of me was broken and the desire to write like I always used too, was broken apart for far too long. I have been struggling in agony and to suffered too much that I thought I could not manage through it anymore. But then I did as I have always been.
Every morning when I rise, the first thing I notice was the weak burst of dim sunlight streaks hit our curtains, leaving few trails of dark shadows of the trees with dancing branches and bristling leaves that has all forms and patterns of the many shapes possibly. Then came the orchestrated sounds of many birds starting to sing the songs of the early spring and we have just entered the warm month of Febuary.
And so at last, spring has come forth in its own time and the while snow was long forgotten with memories of the last winter fading within time of this season. Odds are these moment when Life has started to bloom well into this time, but at home it starts with the darkness that seems to enshroud our place with brokenness and sadness. The last event was so overwhelming that I felt everything overtook every part of me and every bit of my strength and my senses.
I felt down within this grief and my whole world fell apart in just a second. Will there ever be happiness after sadness? Will there ever be light after the darkness? But even if I have it all with me, nothing will never be the same as it used to be and that I have learned in time in a very painful way. Faith has been my place of solace of where I indeed often enough finding my strength. I know I have always been that strong, but at this time my faith has been tested to its very core.
I do not feel as if God abandons me. I feel He is ALWAYS been with me no matter where I am and no matter what I do ... I know to well enough that the LORD has ALWAYS been here with me.
I do not deny that I am consumed with my pain which horribly rip my heart off from its root mercilessly along with the love that I kept within my breast as if my own soul betrays me and I am left with dark emotion wrecked me with the deepest agony ever. Yes, I know that I am well tested to the very core of my spirit and Jesus sees that I bleed, but somehow there is this strange kind of power lifting me up all these time so I stay strong as I am now. Oh, no, nothing like that.
This is my walk to faith, my destiny - my fate written. When I was a child, my family took their little child with them to the farms which located in the mid of the jungle, far away from civilization.
I remembered my auntie brought her newborn whom she put inside a hanging cloth which was hung under one of the trees, hiding her child safely from the blazing sun. One to think of such act is also to teach the babe to listen to the music of the branches and to learn from the activities of the birds. Though the vision of God each attains maybe different, their method of spiritual development is the same.
In this time when everything is heavy and hard for me I know I am taught to be humble as best I can. Even if I am prepared by Him, I know part of me want my weakness to stay as to remind me of where I came from, where it all starts, where the reasons come, where I had my Jesus, where I have my memories and how I come to be me now.
I miss my Amanda terribly, yes. I wonder where she is now if she knows I am not there with her at all anymore; wonder if the angels really taking care of her just I do; wondering if she misses me at all; wondering ... if she still remember me if she sees me in the future ... I have too many question on this, yes, and who's not?
Now, my day started from now on ... with her ... without her ...
And I will start my life only with her memory ...